When your child has a disability or you have concerns about their development, raising them can be an extremely worrying experience.
- You don’t know how to raise your child
- You have no one to talk to
Some parents may feel overwhelmed by these thoughts day after day.
Mothers may be able to work through these feelings by building a community with other moms at their child’s therapy center or school. But when you think about fathers, you may wonder, “Can they manage it as well as women do?”
I’m also a father raising a child with a developmental disability. I don’t have any dad friends around me in a similar situation. Day by day, things I want to say keep piling up.
The event I came across at such a time was “Usagi Shokudo,” a place for fathers to talk and seek advice. It was held on Saturday, August 3, 2024, so I went along.
The information provided was current when this article was published in August 2024. Please note that it may differ from current information.
What is “Usagi Shokudo,” a place for fathers to talk and seek advice?
“Usagi Shokudo,” a place for fathers to talk and seek advice (hereafter referred to as Usagi Shokudo), is an evening cafe where fathers raising children with disabilities or concerns about their development can drink, eat, and chat with male support workers.
The event held on August 3, 2024, was not the first one. Previously, it had been held every two months at Minna no Ouchi Haru House in Mizushima.
The consultation space at Usagi Shokudo is for fathers and male support workers only, with no women present. Participants are united by the fact that they are raising children with disabilities or concerns about their development.
The female staff of the event’s organizer, Certified NPO Parent Support Step, prepare everything and then leave. They join the group only for the last 15 minutes or so.
It’s a welcoming place where even first-timers can participate without feeling awkward, and it serves as a peer-support space where fathers support one another.
Unlike usual, the August 3 event was held as a “snack bar edition” at Okayama Candy, near JR Kurashiki Station.
Supporters
Usagi Shokudo has three male support workers.
- Masafumi Ikawa: Manager of Kotonoha, a multifunctional service provider (day care for daily living and after-school day services)
- Shoichi Sato: Director of irodori, an employment transition support center
- Masataka Inoue: Representative of Minna no Ouchi “Haru House”
All three have attended Usagi Shokudo events over the years and are true experts. They make sure that even fathers attending for the first time can feel at ease.
Even first-time participants can feel at ease
There were 11 participants at this Usagi Shokudo event. It was my first time attending.
I knew about Usagi Shokudo, but I used to think, “Mizushima, where it’s usually held, is a bit far” from my home in Okayama City.
I don’t know if others felt the same way—“It’s right by Kurashiki Station, so I can easily join this time!”—but there was one other first-time participant besides me. The group also included regulars and people returning after a long time (a year or two), making for a diverse mix.
The gathering began with introductions. Perhaps because I was nervous as a first-timer, I’d momentarily forgotten that everyone gathered here was a “father raising a child with a disability or concerns about their development.”
Each person shared a little about their child’s and family’s situation, and we found ourselves relating: “Ah, it’s the same for us,” or “He’s a dad with more experience than me.”
When people find things in common with others, the distance between them naturally shrinks. I’m sure men—fathers—also want to “talk about things they can’t usually talk about” and “have someone understand how they feel.”
And what do you know? Somehow, even though it was my first time, I slipped right into the group.
A wave of empathy
Usagi Shokudo began after one participant said, “There’s nowhere for fathers to talk!” It’s true—I can’t picture fathers talking about all sorts of parenting matters with one another.
And I don’t think they talk much about it with coworkers, friends, or their usual circle, either. On top of that, fathers raising children with disabilities or concerns about their development are rare.
In this situation, you can end up closing yourself off a little, thinking, “People raising typically developing children (without developmental disabilities) won’t understand how hard this is.” I’ve experienced that myself.
People say that “empathy is important” when talking with women, but men want to be understood, too. How much easier it feels when someone empathizes with you, when you can relate to each other.
At Usagi Shokudo, there’s no need to worry that “people won’t understand or be able to relate.”
- Stopping by a convenience store for a breather before heading home from work
- Trying to make time for yourself whenever possible
- “Oh, I can’t make any time for myself…”
There were lots of comments that made us think, “Oh, I know exactly what you mean.” And when you share something yourself and people accept it with a “That’s right,” it’s reassuring.
Find the courage to take the first step
Attending Usagi Shokudo doesn’t mean you have to actively talk about your situation or the things you’re struggling with. I think it’s fine just to have fun and chat about everyday things. No one will criticize you for that.
I thought it would be good to make use of it as “another place to belong,” somewhere different from your usual environment, and as “a place where you can let your guard down just a little.”
But it takes courage to take that first step and find such a place. Instead of thinking, “What would anyone care about what I have to say?” why not give it a try?
The next event is scheduled for October 2024.
“Usagi Shokudo,” a place for fathers to talk and seek advice Information
| Name | “Usagi Shokudo,” a place for fathers to talk and seek advice |
|---|---|
| Date | *The August 3 event was held as a “snack bar edition” at Okayama Candy, near JR Kurashiki Station |
| Location | 5-17 Mizushima Kitakasuga-cho, Kurashiki City (Minna no Ouchi Haru House) |
| Participation fee (tax included) | 2,000 yen (includes drinks and food) Advance registration required |
| Website | Certified NPO Parent Support Step Facebook page |
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